After storming through a difficult, winding path, you emerged victorious. Or so it seems. Instead of arriving at the ethereal fields of wildflowers you imagined, you found yourself standing at a crossroad.
Life’s a bitch, isn’t it?
Will you take step back, stand still, or venture ahead into the unknown? Which path should you choose?
With a brave smile, look forward and and carry on.
The fields of beautiful wildflowers? Eventually, you will get there.
何でいつもバカみたいなことしてる?
Yes. You are looking at the title of my future book! I’m immortalizing it here on the internet so that if someone steals it before I could publish the book, I can say I thought of it first.
And my tagline will be: The gluttonous diaries of a travelling nerd.
8 simple letters. Yet they were so difficult to articulate. At least for the past year.
It has been one year since I found out that I was ill. Not terminally ill, but chronically ill. The news was bad enough for me; a new graduate who found an ideal job almost immediately, fresh, and ready to step into the society with lofty ambitions and boundless hopes for adulthood.
Obviously, the idea of painful blood tests, costly checkups, regular intake of medications - basically just the inconvenience of it all - scared me tremendously. I felt trapped. Trapped by the bills, the needles and the pills.
The pills also came with an emotion baggage. I was to have uncontrollable, bipolar mood swings for extended periods, sleepless nights and giddy mornings until my body got used to them. Another low point was when I was engrossed in watching Dracula at the theater and the alarm on my phone went off, reminding me to take my pill for the night. (Apparently, the alarm still goes off even after you put your phone to silent, and no, it does not care if you watching a play or not.)
I truly realized that I had lost control when a classmate curtly pointed out that I had gained weight, that I had, in his words, “ballooned up” since he saw me 3 months earlier.
And then I stumbled, and tripped, and finally collapsed.
I was unhappy for a long long time. Sure, my family said nice things. So did my friends. I did not tell my colleagues as I did not want to look incompetent as a new hire. But it didn’t matter what people say, and how assuring or encouraging they can be. I was not happy with myself. I disliked myself.
How can anyone love someone who doesn’t love herself anymore?
After a few months of struggles and tolerance, my boyfriend of 6 years dumped me. The reason? I guess he had enough of my unhappiness, my self-loathing and my tears. Or maybe, simply because I had lost my thin figure and my smooth skin to the illness. Reality does suck.
At this point, I am grateful to him for leaving. It was a wake up call. For the first time since the news, I was really alone. It dawned upon me that there is nothing else that I could do except to pick myself up.
And that’s what I did. Or at least, that’s what I am working hard to achieve. I looked at the mirror and mouthed the words: You need to learn to love yourself.
Then came the adventures of my new life. I was on a journey to discover myself. It was also a mission to rescue myself. I tried many new things - I wore new colours, I meddled with Lomography, I advertised myself online for a Japanese conversation partner (and later, found one), I jogged regularly, I went solo-tripping to a country that I love - Taiwan, I started a scrapbook…and the list goes on.
I am still doing all these things and honestly speaking, I LOVE THEM ALL. The thrill of trying something unfamiliar, of going out of my comfort zone, and of seeing the world in a different light. I didn’t know living could be so gratifying.
It feels like an epic adventure of my raw curiosity. I am very much surprised by how I am enjoying the new activities that didn’t seem appealing before, and also, by how much I am changing everyday. All the new experiences have shaped me to become an assured, optimistic and spirited person. Nothing seems daunting anymore.
Right now, I am anticipating what I will do next. Probably read another 3 books and pick up a 5th language? I can’t decide on French or Italian. Of course, I need to first commit myself to practicing my Japanese for 15 minutes everyday before I lose everything I worked hard to learn in university. And I must go for an actual class with my friend, F, before I embarrass myself any longer with my smatterings of broken Korean which I picked up from watching too much variety.
Living is so much fun. I am no longer afraid. And I am happy.
If you have encountered or are experiencing challenges like I did and would like a friend to share your thoughts with, please contact me at dreamybooknerd@gmail.com . Let’s stand up bravely and fight on together! :)
I miss Korea and I want to go back soon. (Taken with Instagram)
S is for sisters. S is also for sharing.
Sharing childhood memories (of pulling at each other’s hair and playground injuries), sharing blame for pissing off the towering big sister, sharing cooking disasters at the kitchen.
Sharing clothes tug-of-war, sharing overnight queues for idols events, sharing the love for black shoes.
Sharing oh-so-stressful school woes, sharing difficult family feuds, sharing silly teenage heart breaks.
Sharing special occasions with good food & wine, sharing bitching fests about everyone you know, sharing secrets you won’t tell anyone else.
But the best thing we share is an unwavering faith in God and His amazing, everlasting love.
Why do people always regret only when it’s too late?
He was a good person and a good friend. Always cheerful, always quirky, soft-spoken but funny and fun to be with.
Why haven’t I kept in touch with him? Why did we lose contact over the years?
Now, when he is gone, how can I say goodbye when I haven’t said hello for a long time…
Missing the beautiful streets of Kyoto. Morning breeze, fresh air, graceful people, old architecture. Simply love taking a long and quiet stroll, soaking in the atmosphere. (Taken with Instagram)
This is between them and God.
Only God can be the judge and only God knows the truth. So on what grounds are the netizens/external parties criticizing?
I actually feel bad for the church members. It’s actually their money, and if misused, they are the victims! Why are they demonized by people who seizes any opportunity to mock and create negativity in the world.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
White chocolate frosting on top, strawberry bits at the core. Looking forward to my weekly indulgence of yummy strawberry white chocolate cupcake from Plain Vanilla bakery! (Taken with Instagram)
